My Beloved Mylie

I'm very sad to report that our visit to the vet today was full of bad news. My has been diagnosed with dialated cardiomyopathy. The vet started by noting that he could barely feel a pulse in her femoral arteries on her back legs. X-rays confirmed that her heart is severely enlarged, taking up nearly all of the space in her chest cavity. It is compressing her lungs, which are full of fluid. She turned blue when they had her on her side to complete the x-ray, so they put her on oxygen for a bit. She's been prescribed three drugs, Lasix to help dissipate the fluid in her lungs, one to reduce the enlargement of her heart, and another to open her blood vessels so that her weak heart can get more oxygenated blood to her body. Without the drugs, her prognosis was only days before she starts to suffocate. Even with them, she's only going to be with us for one to two months. Her recent issues were certainly caused by hypoxia (not enough oxygen to her brain). As I sit here with the few tears I have left rolling down my face, I am trying to comfort myself knowing that we've given her the best life possible, but it's not really working. I'm not sure if it's better to know she's going to die soon, and watching her every move like a hawk...living in a constant state of fight-or-flight, being hyper-vigilant; or just to have lost her suddenly. I thought that I was so smart, thinking that her undiagnosed UTI was to blame for her recent vestibular incidents (seizures)...and in going to the vet to confirm my own "diagnosis," discovering that my little white dog is terminally ill, and soon, is so shocking. I guess it's good to be told that it is genetic and degenerative and could never have been predicted; not something that started or got worse by her mom's sins of omission or blindness. She appears to be her usual self...which makes the possibility of her dropping dead at any moment all the more distressing to me. We've decided to maintain our plans to go on our annual camping trip, despite the vet's back-handed recommendation that we don't. We want to keep her life as much the same as we possibly can, as nothing will change her prognosis. We hope to give her one last time in the outdoors, exploring, sunning herself, eating the kids' uneaten hot dogs...before she leaves us for the great beyond. But, I can't help being mad as hell. She's the only baby I'll ever have and right or wrong, she is my baby girl. I know she can feel my anguish and my tears right now, as she has always been so sensitive to my emotions...I should stop. This emotional tidal wave is not good for my heart, nor for her huge (literally and figuratively), precious heart. Please bear with me...this is and will be very hard for us, but it is Nature's true and sometimes cruel Law that all things come to an end. It is an immutable truth that none of us can change or undo. I apologize in advance if I am unable to give or even speak without breaking down for a while...I can't help it. Life is fragile, and all the more aching when lost. Especially when it is my sweet Mailie, whose only need was to be loved, who never asked for anything but love, and who now cannot, by even the fiercest love, be saved.